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fuck this fucking crappy assss shitty retarded most definately depressing and completely confusing 2 weeks
2:15 am on 08.08.2003

long time no type. too much shit has been going on, many events which have led me to become very angry, sad, and just rather pathetic, to be honest. i thought i had someone to talk to, but i don't. i never thought it would come to that. i can't talk to my brother about anything and he's the closest friend i thought i had, i can't talk to my mom because she doesn't really understand sometimes even though she does have some good advice, and i wouldn't even know what friend to go to that would take the dramatic soap opera that i've been living, and take it seriously and not treat me like i'm just being stupid. i just need someone to listen, my diary (not this one, something i physically have to write in) isn't enough, my diary isn't going to comfort me, give advice, or understand me for that matter. it's just a place to vent. sure it listens, but that's all. it's like venting to a mime, or a man without a tongue. anyways, you get the idea. between chris getting a new 'girlfriend' and my brother possible quitting the band (cause he may be getting into cheva), i think i'm just at a point where i don't know what to think. whether they be selfish, honest, or ego-tripping thoughts...they all seem too fucked up to think about. i can't escape from even my own thoughts when i want to. can't drink, that just makes me blurt shit out that shouldn't be said, can't take drugs cause i have a job and parents and school. can't escape that way. i'm certainly not thinking of suicide, because that's not an escape, that makes things worse. i guess i'll just try to ignore whats bothering me, or find someway to releive it all....probably by facing my problems. don't know. ignorance is useful in this case. but it's also one of the main reasons i'm in this mess. ignorance with chris, and stupidity for getting a bass.

i need sleep, have work at 8am. joy.

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