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eh, everything is for a reason, right?
10:33 pm on 09.11.2003

well, i guess i'm ok now. i'm accepting the things that were bothering me. like jason joining cheva and leaving me here. i know he'll go far, and it's what he's always been looking forward to. and i know i'm not as good as he is, but a few years down the line i will be, and then i'll start looking for a band, or maybe one will find me. who knows.

mike called me today, i accidently gave him the idea that i was bothered by the fact chris has a girlfriend. but, i don't care. i'd rather he be happy than alone and miserable, even if i couldn't have done enough to accomplish that when i was with him. but, i figure i wont be dating anyone for a while, i'm sick of it. i'm sick of getting into dead end relationships that leave me feeling empty. bothers me more when i see people my age or near my age engaged, married, or have a long term relationship. i've never had that luxury, and now that my hearts been drowned by my tears more that once it's safe to say that i just don't care anymore. and if i come back here to write an entry about a guy i like "whose different and not like any other guy i've met", someone please smack me, because that's never a reality and i should be woken up. i'm a reject anyway, i like the way i dress because it's comfy and me... i don't really care what i wear. and what guy is going to date a girl that dresses like a rock girl anyhow? everyone wants a skirt or a blouse, and i'm not like that. the girliest i'll get is having a fettish for unique purses, stickers, art, and writing in a journal (not online one). and i'm not going to change the way i look so someone will like me, i've done it in the past and i didn't like it then, don't like it now, and wont do it. if people cant accept me for who i am, and fall in love with me for me...then i'd rather be alone.

i'm only taking one class this semester, because it's all i really have time for. i don't want to be stressed out like i was before. i realized, however, that i need 18 units of art to get into otis, and a few other misc credit, none which include the class i'm currently taking: bio. it's ok though, strangrly enough i've always wanted to take bio, but i never could in highschool, for exhausting reasons that i don't want to get into detail about. so next semester i'll be taking an art class and an academic class that counts towards my units to go to otis. yippe. should be interesting trying to work that into 40 hrs a week. i'll have no life, but what's new, right? yeah. it's either a part of growing up, or just me, disconnecting from the rest of society and into the shadows of myself.


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